


Cold, Dark Sea

by Zeyra



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (sort of), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Harry Potter Needs a Hug, Loss, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black is dead, Suicide Attempt, post OotP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25905349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeyra/pseuds/Zeyra
Summary: Dumbledore sends Remus and Harry to spend three weeks in a lonely house by the sea. He hopes to help them better deal with the still very recent death of Sirius Black. What he doesn't know, is that Remus and Harry have not spoken to each other since that day, too lost in their own pain to be able to connect.When Harry finally gathers enough courage to ask for help and is rejected, things take a turn for the worse.Upon realizing his mistake, Remus has to put his emotions aside if he wants to get to his honorary nephew in time.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	Cold, Dark Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there dear readers ! I am glad to present to you my first published Harry Potter fanfiction ever !  
> (The unpublished ones are unpublished for a reason, it's better not to ask about those ahah) 
> 
> I know it looks like something absolutely heartwrenching and you're probably a bit nervous about your favorite characters right now, so let me set this straight : you are right. :D  
> (Don't worry though, I didn't kill either of them)
> 
> I was inspired to write this when I listened to Sinking Man, by Of Monsters and Men. Please, if you listen to music while reading, try listening to this ^^ 
> 
> disclaimer : I do not own harry potter, I do not intend on making any profits off of this fanfiction.

>   
>  Cold, dark sea  
>  Wrapping its arms around me,  
>  Pulling me down to the deep.  
>  All eyes on me.  
>  -Sinking Man, Of Monsters and Men  
> 

Harry was sinking. The cold, dark sea that embraced him and pulled him under was nothing like the shock he had half expected. Instead, it felt comforting. Cathartic, his hazy thoughts supplied.

For once, he physically felt something that resembled his mental state. He could not remember feeling anything but cold and dark inside. Not on the long term anyway. There had, of course, been fleeting moments of joy. Hopeful weeks, that sometimes lasted a month or two, but never more than that. It was always snatched away before he could get used to the warmth. Memories of his best moments with his friends flashed before his eyes, and he smiled faintly. Those were worth all the stress, all the pain he had been through. 

The light filtering from the surface was getting darker. Harry watched it, and felt all the tension leave his body. This felt nice. It felt right. He deserved this. It was almost too sweet of a death for the murderer he had become. 

Sirius. 

For a second, he felt his body tense and fight the memory away. It feared the pain that always came with it. He clenched his teeth, and forced himself to think about him. To remember his godfather, the closest thing to a father figure he ever had, the man who could have been his legal guardian right now if he had not killed him. He saw him fall through the veil for the millionth time. His heart ached. The pain never stopped, never dimmed. The guilt, however, never stopped growing, he found out. 

And grew it did. Every time someone offered him their condolences. Every time something reminded him of Sirius. But it grew the fastest when he thought about Remus. The werewolf was the only one left. His two best friends were dead. Harry had taken them from him. Would there be so much suffering if he had never been born at all ? Wouldn’t the Marauders still be alive and well ? A part of him protested weakly, bringing forth the memory of Sirius quietly telling him about the night he had tried to kill himself. He had been seconds away from death when Remus had found him. He had saved him, and although he had never had any noticeable physical scars, they had never been the same, after that. Especially Remus, who had started to get nightmares about losing his best friend. 

Harry had made those nightmares come to life. So when Remus had said when he had said earlier, he had understood. He did not deserve better words from a man he had hurt so deeply. 

“Go. Get out of here.” 

Harry had frozen in the doorway as if he had been stunned. It had taken him so long to work up the courage to come up to the former professor’s door and knock. If they had to spend three weeks in that lonely place, he might as well try to open up to him. Maybe it would help. Everyone seemed to be confident that if Remus and him just talked to each other, it would.  
Af of then, he had been watching his bedroom’s ceiling for hours, thinking about killing himself. Some part of him was still hoping that he was worth some comfort. It thought that he, the boy-who-lived-to-murder-many, should keep on doing so. It thought Remus would hear him out, would try to comfort him. It imagined that they could find some comfort in their shared grief. 

But their grief was not the same, Harry realized even before the harsh, icy words left the adult’s mouth. He had knocked, and, when there had been no answer, had dared opening the door. What he found had taken his breath away. 

Remus was sitting on the floor, his back half turned away from him, looking like his whole world was weighing on his shoulders. And maybe it was. Because there was no one left to carry it with him. Harry took that away. His head hung low, face hidden between dirty strands of hair. Old moving photographs were scattered around him. On each of them, smiling faces. Laughter. Dancing. Happiness. The last remaining Marauder was delicately holding one specific picture. A quarter of it had been folded, but Harry could distinguish the fat face of the man who had caused his parents’ death. On the rest of the photograph were three young men, their arms around each other’s shoulders. They smiled at the camera, their eyes bright, and then dissolved into laughter as the two dark haired ones pulled an invisibility cloak over themselves. 

Harry’s heart had clenched at that. It was too prophetic to his tastes.

The prophecy. Sirius. It was all his fault. He was the reason why his parents had been targeted, it was his rash decision to go save Sirius from imaginary danger that had killed his godfather. He was a murderer. Had been almost all his life. Had been ever since he was born. His whole life purpose seemed to kill anyway, according to the prophecy. Everyone expected him to. 

Remus sniffled. It was a barely audible, miserable sound. It brought Harry out of his thoughts and to the realisation that the adult had not noticed him yet. Suddenly, he felt like he should be anywhere but here. He was intruding, and badly. He took a step backwards, and the floor creaked. 

The former professor swiftly turned around, his eyes wide and wild for a second, before they darkened as his pained face became something colder. Harry felt icy dread settle in his gut. He knew that look. He took another step back and hit the door frame. 

For several seconds, panicked green met dark hazel. Then Remus’ face twisted in something that looked half pained, half cruel. His lips quivered, as if he was trying to hold back. Or maybe he was just too emotional, the teen theorized. Maybe his hatred for Harry had become too much to hide. Too much to hold in. 

That was when he said it, his voice vicious, his darkened gaze, unwavering.  
“Go. Get out of here.”

Harry had wanted to apologize. But he could not find any air. And an apology seemed like such a small, insignificant thing compared to what he had done to the man. So instead, he left.

Now deep beneath the surface, he extended a hand and played with the filtering sunlight. The lack of air began to slightly tug at his chest. The only thing he could offer would happen anytime now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't forget to leave a comment, and kudos !! They're the things that motivate me to write more, and faster :D 
> 
> The next chapters should arrive in a few hours or a few days, depending of how much I get done tonight :D


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